Clowning around

A few weeks ago a friend of mine texted me and asked me how I would feel about doing a couple of gigs a a Clown with him. A clown I read? Was that right? I typed it into predict text and all that came up were the words crown, blown, bloom or brown (would you like a few gigs as a brown? - probably not)so it seemed that I had read correctly and as I am always looking for ways to bring extra cash into the house and as I have no modesty or shame, I texted back immediately - I'D LOVE TO!

Fast forward to today where I met Simon (my fellow clown) at a hotel in town for a our first gig at Bella's fifth birthday party. I worked with Simon before in two plays and I just want to say here that he is without a shadow of a doubt the best director/producer/actor that I have ever worked with (Simon, if you are reading this then there is your plug, you can pay me later) so it was a pleasure (and a relief) to be doing this gig with him.

Stage fright nerves were present but quickly changed to feelings of trepidation when out of Simon's bag he produced a head of lettuce and a bunch of celery. This would be one of our acts he said. The lettuce was going to be the lion and the celery was going to be the whip and I was going to have to train the lettuce (lion) with the celery (whip). Ooo - kaaay? Where was the juggling, stilt walking etc. that I assumed clowns did? It didn't matter that I couldn't do any of that stuff, I just sort of assumed that I would get a five minute training session and my will to want to be able to do it would get me through. "Trust me" Simon said "I know what I am doing, kids want you to interact and play with them more than they want to see all those tricks" and then he handed me a red nose to glue (Yes that's right glue) on to my face and it looked great so it seemed that Simon did indeed know what he was talking about.

Outside we went to greet the children and the first item on the agenda was to introduce ourselves and Simon went under the stage name Simo. But as I only had 5 minutes to come up with a name (Okay thirty minutes if you want to be picky) and as I have no imagination, I came up the the stage name Miss Racho. The kids didn't mind but if anyone can think of another name for future clowning gigs then all suggestions will be gratefully received.

We then asked all the children their names and in a fit of trying to be hilarious (stage nerves pounding around my body at this stage- manic desire to be appreciated), I decided to give them all nicknames. There was Birthday Bella, Ring a Rosie, Groovy (Whose real name was Ruby) Aobh with an F (This came about by me pretending that I couldn't spell her name. Out of all the children she was the only one who seemed a get a bit annoyed about her nickname but as I refused to be budged on it, I overheard her ask her mother was there an F somewhere in Aobh), there was Dirty (who nicknamed himself - possible issues?), Victoria (Who was a boy called Billy - he also nicknamed himself. Possible even more disturbing issues? ) and identical twins called Jonathan 1 and Jonathan 2 but I actually never found out if either of them was in fact actually named Jonathan.

On to the lion taming which lo and behold was hilarious and the kids LOVED but then on to the story telling when I saw Simon sitting across from me and - was I seeing things? Was that his underpants on display through a giant hole in the crotch of his trousers. Yes it was as five year old Bella suddenly shouted out "I can see your UNDERPANTS". What could Simon do but go with it and pretend that it was all part of the act. Cue many underpants flashing moments at the children. This is so wrong I thought. The only thing that was child appropriate about it was that his underpants had giraffes all over them which conjured up a whole new set of questions. Seriously Simon, if you are reading this then a trip to Marks and Spencers is well over due. Buy yourself some decent undies for God's sake. I looked around for the swift arrival of the management asking us to kindly us to leave and never to return but all I saw was the laughing faces of kids and parents alike. No-one minded a bit. Some Dad had seen the pants rip when I had made him roll over during the lion taming episode and though that it was hilarious. Whew - a bullet dodged.

Next came the pie in the face act where I got to make the pies out of paper plates and shaving foam (shaving foam instead of cream so that it doesn't stain the costumes) and shove them in Simon's face. Does anything get better than this I thought until I glanced down at Groovy (Real name Ruby) and saw white stuff all around her mouth and whiteness on her fingers. Cripes - she was eating the shaving foam! I looked around frantically to see if anyone was watching us and whew - her parents were in deep conversation and hadn't noticed a thing. Another bullet whizzing past us I thought (unless she gets sick tonight and a law-suit is impending still).

Next on to the balloon sword fights - I think I've lost about a stone due to all the leaping about - it's better that weight watchers. Though there were a few tears (mainly mine) from too much rough play, a few more stories and songs and time for home.

"Ye were class" all the children said hugging us goodbye with big "Aw's!" when they heard it was time for us to leave and I have to say that I was filled with a warm fuzzy glow that I'm still feeling whilst typing this.

So anyone looking for a couple of clowns? We'll try and keep the mild nudity and possible poisoning to a minimum in the future.....Anyone?