Summer Time
I have decided to write this particular blog knowing that I run the risk of being excommunicated from the human race by all those who have been celebrating with rapturous glee the last few days of sunshine but I can't help myself - it has to be done.
The following are things that I hate about summer.
1. The flies.
They are truly the most disgusting species living in this country at the moment and my house is full of them. I cannot open a window with out a swarm hovering outside it, rubbing their wings together and saying "Yes! She's opened the window lads. Lets go in and Sh*t all over her food". And my biggest gripe about them is actually with myself. You see, I cannot bring myself to kill or let any of them be killed despite my deep seeded hatred for each and every last one of them (I obviously have some over-developed 'thou shalt not kill issues' - too much time in a catholic school probably) so I spend every night with all the lights turned off in my kitchen and the porch door open and the patio light on in an attempt to entice them back outside to their natural habitat. I then run around the kitchen like a lunatic with a piece of paper trying to nudge them all towards the door while my husband sits inside the living room watching telly roaring laughing and begging me to let him have a swipe. (Ugh - one just landed on my hand while I'm typing this - DISGUSTING!)
2. My grass growing.
I just hate to cut the grass more than anything. It is so pointless as it looks crap again after only a day and I cannot understand why no-one has actually done anything about it. I'm serious! Look at the hairs on your arm or in erm.. certain other places of your body. They only grow to a certain length and then they stop (except in some very hairy individuals but I'll venture more into that in gripe four). Now I'm not a scientist or anything but I do know that it's apparently all to do with genetics. We all have a code inside us that gives each hair a particular 'length' that it can grow to and then it stops. Now look at all the genetically modified vegetables in the world and then think, why has no-one ever thought to genetically modify grass so it only grows to a certain length so you can have a perfect lawn all year round without ever having to lift a finger? It could change the world. It could even bring about the dawn of new sayings. Instead of saying things like "It's the best thing since sliced bread", people would now say "It's the best thing since genetically modified short growing grass". Any biologists/scientists reading this? There could be a Nobel prize in it I reckon.
3. The ice-cream van.
Now I like a 99 cone as much as the next person (probably more than the next person if I'm being honest) but it is now coming around my estate four times a day and I am having a lot of trouble explaining to my two and three year old why childhood obesity is a bad thing and they just don't get it.
But the ice-cream van during the day I can just about handle. It's the ice-cream van that came around last night at half eight blaring out the theme tune to match of the day (yes, match of the day) that I have the real trouble with. I was just complaining about how late it was to be playing such loud music when I heard a little voice on the monitor say "Can I have an ice-cream Mummy?" It was Andrew of course who had gone to bed an hour earlier. Charlotte is such a sound sleeper that a meteorite made of ice-creams could crash land in her bedroom and she wouldn't stir. In fact she recently got a new 'big girl' bed and fell out of it the first two nights she slept in it but the first that I knew of her nocturnal events when I came in the next morning and found her fast asleep on the floor.
4. Men in shorts with no shirts.
Seriously lads - PUT IT AWAY! I know you're hot and all that and I'm sorry but nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to see it. Your legs are white, pasty and skinny. Your tummies and chests have seen better days and God almighty, if women can go and get their legs and bits waxed once a month, then there is no reason why a big strong man can't go and do the same. It's all very acceptable now in this day and metro-sexual age and the beauticians have seen it all before. Take a tip, if you cannot actually see how white and flabby your stomach is, you need a wax!
I mean, I'm hot too and would be far more comfortable strolling around in a bikini but I have had two children and my stomach is no longer pleasant to the eye so I am being considerate to my friends and neighbours and keeping it under wraps (Not to you though Jason - you made my stomach like this so in the privacy of our back garden I will sunbath and you will LIKE IT!).
So this is the deal for all of you men out there - unless you are foreign (foreign with dark skin that is not just English or similar), Brad Pitt or work out to the point of obsession, then a t-shirt and a pants please is all I ask.
I am not against summer. In fact I love it and have actually had the most glorious weekend, I would just like to see it tweaked in places and I'm sure I'm not the only one. How to go about it is the only thing? Let's see... I'll get working on the genetically modified grass (how hard can it be?) as I quite like the idea of a Nobel prize sitting on my mantle piece and all you men out there take heed and cover up. Anyone else want to take on the world wide extermination of flies(without actually harming them) and I'm sure enough of us can campaign to see ice-cream vans taken off the road after a certain hour. So who's with me? Anyone...anyone... ?
The following are things that I hate about summer.
1. The flies.
They are truly the most disgusting species living in this country at the moment and my house is full of them. I cannot open a window with out a swarm hovering outside it, rubbing their wings together and saying "Yes! She's opened the window lads. Lets go in and Sh*t all over her food". And my biggest gripe about them is actually with myself. You see, I cannot bring myself to kill or let any of them be killed despite my deep seeded hatred for each and every last one of them (I obviously have some over-developed 'thou shalt not kill issues' - too much time in a catholic school probably) so I spend every night with all the lights turned off in my kitchen and the porch door open and the patio light on in an attempt to entice them back outside to their natural habitat. I then run around the kitchen like a lunatic with a piece of paper trying to nudge them all towards the door while my husband sits inside the living room watching telly roaring laughing and begging me to let him have a swipe. (Ugh - one just landed on my hand while I'm typing this - DISGUSTING!)
2. My grass growing.
I just hate to cut the grass more than anything. It is so pointless as it looks crap again after only a day and I cannot understand why no-one has actually done anything about it. I'm serious! Look at the hairs on your arm or in erm.. certain other places of your body. They only grow to a certain length and then they stop (except in some very hairy individuals but I'll venture more into that in gripe four). Now I'm not a scientist or anything but I do know that it's apparently all to do with genetics. We all have a code inside us that gives each hair a particular 'length' that it can grow to and then it stops. Now look at all the genetically modified vegetables in the world and then think, why has no-one ever thought to genetically modify grass so it only grows to a certain length so you can have a perfect lawn all year round without ever having to lift a finger? It could change the world. It could even bring about the dawn of new sayings. Instead of saying things like "It's the best thing since sliced bread", people would now say "It's the best thing since genetically modified short growing grass". Any biologists/scientists reading this? There could be a Nobel prize in it I reckon.
3. The ice-cream van.
Now I like a 99 cone as much as the next person (probably more than the next person if I'm being honest) but it is now coming around my estate four times a day and I am having a lot of trouble explaining to my two and three year old why childhood obesity is a bad thing and they just don't get it.
But the ice-cream van during the day I can just about handle. It's the ice-cream van that came around last night at half eight blaring out the theme tune to match of the day (yes, match of the day) that I have the real trouble with. I was just complaining about how late it was to be playing such loud music when I heard a little voice on the monitor say "Can I have an ice-cream Mummy?" It was Andrew of course who had gone to bed an hour earlier. Charlotte is such a sound sleeper that a meteorite made of ice-creams could crash land in her bedroom and she wouldn't stir. In fact she recently got a new 'big girl' bed and fell out of it the first two nights she slept in it but the first that I knew of her nocturnal events when I came in the next morning and found her fast asleep on the floor.
4. Men in shorts with no shirts.
Seriously lads - PUT IT AWAY! I know you're hot and all that and I'm sorry but nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to see it. Your legs are white, pasty and skinny. Your tummies and chests have seen better days and God almighty, if women can go and get their legs and bits waxed once a month, then there is no reason why a big strong man can't go and do the same. It's all very acceptable now in this day and metro-sexual age and the beauticians have seen it all before. Take a tip, if you cannot actually see how white and flabby your stomach is, you need a wax!
I mean, I'm hot too and would be far more comfortable strolling around in a bikini but I have had two children and my stomach is no longer pleasant to the eye so I am being considerate to my friends and neighbours and keeping it under wraps (Not to you though Jason - you made my stomach like this so in the privacy of our back garden I will sunbath and you will LIKE IT!).
So this is the deal for all of you men out there - unless you are foreign (foreign with dark skin that is not just English or similar), Brad Pitt or work out to the point of obsession, then a t-shirt and a pants please is all I ask.
I am not against summer. In fact I love it and have actually had the most glorious weekend, I would just like to see it tweaked in places and I'm sure I'm not the only one. How to go about it is the only thing? Let's see... I'll get working on the genetically modified grass (how hard can it be?) as I quite like the idea of a Nobel prize sitting on my mantle piece and all you men out there take heed and cover up. Anyone else want to take on the world wide extermination of flies(without actually harming them) and I'm sure enough of us can campaign to see ice-cream vans taken off the road after a certain hour. So who's with me? Anyone...anyone... ?
Rachael and the summer have never got along - she is the only person I know who used to "sunbathe" in jeans and a jumper!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm just protecting myself. I have fair skin and I burn easily. Skin cancer is rampant you know.
ReplyDelete