When shopping - leave the kids at home!

I'm going out tomorrow night and unless shabby tracksuit bottoms and food stained t-shirts are back in vogue, I decided that it was time to treat myself to something new to wear. Now it's only a table quiz but still, an excuse for a new outfit is an excuse for a new outfit so I packed the kids into the car and headed in to our new shopping outlet in town for a quick browse through the local clothes stores.

I just LOVE this new shopping outlet in town. It has Eddie Rockets (which I am not promoting as a plate of chips should not cost more than your yearly tax bill but Oh my GOD! Their chocolate malt shakes are just divine and only about 1,500 thousand calories a piece, so if like me, you have completely given up on ever fully getting your figure back, then indulge yourself. I insist!), Villa, Only, Jack Jones, Pamela Scotts and... wait for it.... (drum roll please)... Marks and Spencers!
Yes people, we here in this part of the world, have hit the big time. We too can now buy decent bras and underwear that actually fits. And while I don't want to go on and on about my love of food, if you don't want to cook and just want to treat yourself, their ready meals are almost as nice as Eddie Rockets malt shakes and are just irresistible. Every town should have an M&S in my opinion (quick note to self: New money making idea. Possible future in the marketing and advertising for M&S. Must send them my C.V. asap).

Anyway, I had a few things to pick up and Vitamins were at the top of my list so my first stop was the pharmacy.
Now will somebody please tell me this? Why oh why, do pharmacies put all their small, colourful cute looking produce in clear open shelves at child height level right in front of the cash register? I play this game with my two children where they pick up the pocket sized vaseline and I snatch it from them and put it back. Then they take the nasal strips that stop you snoring from the shelf and I snatch it from them and put it back. Then the glucose sweets, the corn plasters, the surgical sticky tape... the list goes on and on. And it doesn't stop there! In an attempt to thwart my efforts at retrieving what they have planned on shop-lifting, they often just pick things up and throw them on the ground so that I can't actually take what they have out of their hands (it's a power struggle thing. If you have kids, you'll understand!) so I spend most of my time in the shop on my hands and knees , crawling around other shoppers apologising profusely while I try to pick up the dozen or so items which have found their way into all of the smallest and most awkward places possible.
Today was no different except that I wasn't as vigilant as usual and Andrew managed to get away with a small colourful three pack of ear plugs. I know that I should set an example and make him bring them back to the shop and apologise but to be honest I am just too lazy and part of me thinks that it is just their own fault for making the produce so available and attractive to toddlers (and if I am to be totally honest, I already have a million uses for the ear plugs in mind already).

I needed milk so I went to M&S and picked up a three litre bottle of milk and put it into the same bag with my vitamins in a miserly attempt to save 22c on a plastic bag and then it was on to do some clothes shopping.

Now I love clothes as much as the next person but I have no idea what looks good on me or what colours or styles are 'in' at the moment and my children would not have the patience to allow me to browse so as soon as I entered the shop I appealed to the shop assistant to help me. She took one look at me and I could tell that she just saw me as a giant doll in desperate need of a make-over and couldn't wait to get to work.

She ushered me to the changing room and quickly returned with an arm full of clothes and started to gleefully dress me as though I was no older than one of the children. Andrew and Charlotte ran around my legs as I tried to dress and hold on to them at the same time but it was no use. Charlotte slipped from my grasp and exited from my changing room into the changing room that was directly opposite me where another person was changing. I tried to desperately wriggle my way into the item of clothing that the shop assistant had handed me so that I could go and retrieve her but before I could, I heard Charlotte declare to everyone in the store at the top of her voice "A NIPPLE!". (Thankfully the lady in question was still wearing a bra but to Charlotte bras, boobies and anything at all in the chest area comes under the title of 'a nipple').

I thought that I would die. "Did somebody lose something?" came the voice of the very understanding and slightly amused lady from the other changing room. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I said as I tried remove Charlotte from her presence while also trying to keep Andrew from clawing at the curtain of her changing cubicle and shouting at the top of his voice, "Mummy, I want to see the nipple too".

What was I wearing I thought? Dress. Jeggings. Hmmm, sort of matches, I think..... it'll do! I didn't even look at the price but just ripped them back off, dressed and made my way to the cash register while at the same time trying to wrestle Andrew and Charlotte along with me who were both intent on watching this poor unfortunate woman who was trying so hard to mind her own business get in and out of all of her clothing.

We departed the story as quickly as possible but just as I left, the brown bag that was carrying my milk and my vitamins split and all of a sudden there was a white river of milk everywhere. You have no idea just how much of a mess three litres of milk can make. Passers-by all shrieked and leaped out of the way as droplets of milk landed on them but not one person stopped to help. I tried desperately to rescue my vitamins but as I did I looked up suddenly and to my horror, there were Andrew and Charlotte jumping up and down in the river of milk shouting "SPLASH! SPLASH!" and yes indeed, they were splashing everyone who came within ten feet of them.

The shop assistants from the surrounding shops all came running out to see what had happened and as I stood there with my face burning with mortification I pleaded with them, "I'm so sorry. Has anyone got a mop and I'll clean it up".

"Just go" said the shop assistant who had been trying to help me earlier, "I'll get the cleaners to clean it up".

I didn't need any further encouragement. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life and just had to get out of there as fast as possible. Even now as I write this, I am picturing the people who work there watching the incident right now on the security tapes (probably to warn other staff members to watch out for me) and I am just cringing with utter humiliation.

I grabbed my two little terrors who at this stage were soaked with milk and roaring with laughter and sped down the corridor pausing only once to turn back briefly and see everyone still standing there and staring after me with what looked like pity in their eyes.

I came home and related the whole story to my hubby who couldn't stop laughing and insisted that I write a blog straight away. Although between you and me, I'm not exactly how much of the story that he actually took in as he just went to make a cup of tea a little while ago and opened the fridge, looked in and then turned to me and said, "Honey, have we got any milk?".